Understand the reasons for your anger and understand its causes: Examine thoughts, as the memories of the causes and reasons for the anger to arise. Limit this examination to one source and cause at a time, and isolate it from the numerous other things that may make one angry.
Determine whether specific anger is legitimate, or from expectation:
LEGITIMATE ANGER: One is certainly genuinely entitled to anger at those who do one harm, cheat, lie, steal from one, or violate one in some way. One may be legitimately angry at circumstance such as the situation of an orphan, incest, rape, deceit and innumerable other injustices. And so the anger is justified and it is there, and it is quite natural. This justified anger may be amplified by frustration, where one cannot do anything to rectify the cause, either because it is in the past and done, or because the cause cannot or will not be changed. Dwelling on #this anger often causes extreme emotional states, adrenaline rush, the racing of thoughts and the exaggeration of other slights related or not. Deal with Legitimate Anger: It comes down to - one wants justice. Anger may be readily justified by difficult circumstances and people. One would expect not to get robbed and when one does one is entitled to get and be angry. However the anger and bitterness only compounds the original injustice extending it into perpetuity. One allows the perpetrator the control of one's feelings endlessly, not only in the past but in the present as well.
Realize anger becomes an identity. 'I am angry person, hear me roar'. This entitles one to special privileges and compensations. It gives one power. Attempt to discover the entitlements one's anger has provided one, and that one becomes dependent. One may derive emotional energy and motivation from anger, to power trip and just to get one's own way. Perhaps a better way to channel this type of anger is to get mad at things that don't affect one exactly personally, like the news. Channel anger into creative motivation like art, writing, manual labor or sports. Realize that depression, even that diagnosed by a professional, can at root be caused by anger, and the frustration arising when it cannot or is not rectified, and there is no justice. Because anger in most cases must be suppressed, so as to not cause harm to oneself and others, or its source has caused humiliation and shame, and because one seethes with it when not released, and one pushes it into the unconscious, its unresolved festering can cause depression.
Understand that unresolved anger is often directed unfairly at others by stereotype, as either individual persons, groups or organizations. Unable or unwilling to confront the source of one's anger, one may create a general category resembling the character of the source and attack those of that type to get justice. It is unfair to guiltless parties. Determine fault by an honest assessment, mostly to determine whether one has misplaced blame on oneself. Do not take blame for others misconduct. If one has some culpability take responsibility for it, wherein it helps to admit and cross check with others. Refuse to take any responsibility where one is not at fault. This means there is no guilt. However if one has culpability one may have diverted the anger from the self to another party. One might find that they may have exaggerated the source incident out of proportion. Until one accepts responsibility there will be no resolution, but only endless recrimination.
Attempt to discover one's true feelings toward the source of one's anger and of oneself in relation to it. One may feel they cannot put the blame on someone they love, or admit hate especially if one does not believe they hate, or cannot love one they think they hate, or cannot hate one they think they love. Separate out conflicts of interest, such as emotions in conflict with ambitions and desires, such like confrontation with an anger source that controls inheritance or livelihood. One may have to choose between material benefit and self-well being. Purge the anger. This is a necessity and can be done in a variety of ways. Confront the perpetrator. Do not get revenge even if you think the perpetrator truly deserves it. Revenge is a destructive cycle that ends up harming you as much as it harms them. Just confess it calmly to oneself and to others. Write it out. Once one has made it conscious, the next step is to say it aloud to others, as the case with 'whatever' Anonymous. This can be a professional, a group, friends or complete strangers. Accept it. What is done is done. Move along nothing to see here. Get over what is only a negative force in one's life. Forgive and realize that under different life circumstances you might have been capable of doing the same thing.
ANGER MANAGEMENT: Whenever I find myself in a situation where I would have formerly allowed myself to become angry, I count backwards from 20 to 1, as it interrupts the process. Ask yourself the question: "Is this worth upsetting myself over?" Another technique that can be applied in such a situation is to put the tip of your tongue between your two front teeth, then slide it down over the gum to where it begins to dip:- this is your "feelgood switch": put your tongue there, maybe sliding it backwards and forwards a little, and say "calm" to yourself, in your mind. Or, breathe in to the count of 7, and exhale to the count of 11. If you regularly practise one of the many relaxation techniques on pages L, or http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody/a/Meditation.htm or http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate or ther Yoga Nidra (a series of simple mental exercises only; no flexibility required) on page L, at Weebly, and/or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or yoga, you should find yourself needing to employ your anger management skillset less often, and quite possibly enjoying life more, as well. Always remember that much of life is about the choices we make, and you have within you the power to CHOOSE whether or not to MAKE YOURSELF angry. Some people keep a wide (but loose) rubber band around their wrist, and stretch and release it whenever they find themselves backsliding, as a means of speeding up the reprogramming of their minds, but this is completely optional, and depends on the individual. Another suggestion is to imagine, as vividly as possible, that your anger is a flame, cleansing you. I like the approach at: http://www.freemindware.net/quickhelp4anger.html Also see http://www.angermgmt.com/angertoolkit.asp and http://www.mycounseling-site.com/anger-counseling.html and http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html and http://www.coping.org/ and http://www.angermanage.co.uk/keepcool.html and http://www.wikihow.com/Control-Your-Temper and http://www.uncommonforum.com/ where differing viewpoints are available. There is a 12 step, Alcoholics Anonymous style organisation at http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/ which has regular meetings, chaired on a rotating basis, at many locations, for those who believe in a higher power.
Give the EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via the searchbar at www.mercola.com "EFT" & "EFT therapists" or www.emofree.com Professional is best. - There is a version for use in public places, (if you like, you can claim to have a headache, as you massage/lightly tap your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I sometimes have anger management problems, I deeply and completely accept myself". (AND FROM: YAHOO! ANSWERS): Tell her to call this hotline & let out her emotions 1(800) 448-3000.[U.S.A.] Somewhere in the above, there should be something that works for you. If not, I strongly advise anger management counselling, for not to develop an effective coping strategy is certain to have a negative impact on the rest of your life. Today's thought from Hazelden is:
That's what happens when you're angry at people. You make them part of your life. --Garrison Keillor
Our problems with anger and our problems in relationships go hand in hand. Some of us have held back our anger, which led to resentment of our loved ones. Some of us have indulged our anger and become abusive. Some of us have been so frightened of anger that we closed off the dialogue in our relationships when angry feelings came out.
Some of us have wasted our energy by focusing anger on people who weren't really important to us. Do we truly want them to become so important? Yet, perhaps the important relationships got frozen because we weren't open and respectful with our anger. It isn't possible to be close to someone without being angry at times. We let our loved ones be part of our lives by feeling our anger when it is there and expressing it openly, directly, and respectfully to them - or by hearing them when they are angry. Then, with dialogue, we can let it go.
I will be aware of those people I am making important in my life and will grow in dealing with my anger. Also from Hazelden
Dealing with Anger
"The most heated bit of letter-writing can be a wonderful safety valve," AA confounder Bill W. said, "providing the wastebasket is somewhere nearby."
This is a delightful bit of advice about the right way to handle anger. Writing an angry letter is at least a way of bringing our feelings out so that we can see them. This is far healthier than the peculiar method of "stuffing" one's feelings and pretending that there was no hurt or offense.
But an angry letter, once mailed, can be more destructive than a bullet. We may live to regret ever having mailed it. It could have unintended consequences of the worst kind.
That's why the wastebasket becomes the second handy way to deal with our anger. We throw the letter away and let time and wisdom heal the matter. What we should do is find a more satisfactory way of settling whatever has happened.
If I become angry today, I'll admit it to myself. Perhaps I'll even put my feelings on paper. But I'll have the good sense not to go further with such outbursts.
Anger helps straighten out a problem like a fan helps straighten out a pile of papers. --Susan Marcotte
Some of us have temper tantrums. Like black clouds, we threaten an outburst at any moment. Other people learn to check us out for storm warnings. They want time to clear out or at least to put on a protective covering. We've caught them by surprise before, and they didn't like it. Now they've learned to watch out - to stay on their toes when we're around. Intimidating people, making them glad when we're not around so they can relax, is a poor way to relate to others.
And what do the outbursts do for us? Is there a cheap sense of power or control for a few minutes? Are we advertising to the world that we're short on coping skills? Or do we tell ourselves that letting off steam is necessary once in a while, conveniently forgetting the steam blasting in other people's faces?
No tirade ever solved a problem. Anger is not a strategy. We don't have the right to rain on other people's parades. Our program can teach us better ways to deal with our anger - with honesty and fairness to ourselves and others.
(and from flylady.com): Keep in mind an old saying "those who anger you conquer you". This means that if you give someone the power to hurt you or make you angry than they have won. They have managed to beat you up without straining themselves because you gave them the ability to do so!
Keep in mind that unhappy people have a need to ridicule or talk behind your back and yet some "helpful" family member will want to make sure you know about it, sometimes to protect you and sometimes to be the gossiping middleman. I have experienced this in many ways and I promise you that truly the best way to handle this is with grace and dignity. Do not respond to mean and unhappy people. It is not worth getting dragged into a family nightmare. The unhappy ones always have a way of twisting things so that they will always be someone else's fault. Do not bother getting down in the gutter of misery with these kinds of people. Remind yourself that you are FLYing and that loving yourself is far more important than what unhappy and miserable people think or say about you. YOU know you are worthy and deserving of love not hurt.
When you feel that you can no longer let things slide or roll off your back, it is perfectly acceptable to say in a low quiet voice "I am sure that you did not intentionally mean to hurt my feelings, but you have. Excuse me; I need to speak with someone" and WALK AWAY! See, you did not cause a scene or publicly embarrass the sad person that was trying to get your goat, you were polite, firm and left them alone without them getting the last word. Leave them with the words that you spoke not tears or anger. You are FLYing, this means taking care of youÉÉ. Finally Loving YOURSELF!!!!
(and from: Yahoo! Answers)UserQuestion/Answer Information
deb 0 I found that changing the way I think helped me to get rid of my anger issues. It sounds too simple but with practice anyone can do it. You simply stop yourself from thinking the kinds of thoughts that make you angry. You make a conscious effort to stop your mind from allowing those kind of thoughts. You switch your thoughts to something you find pleasant. After a while it becomes easier and easier to tolerate what used to make you angry. You learn to see life in a different way and in time you will find that anger you were trapped in will be gone.
Negative thoughts lead to poor physical health . Your body is greatly influenced by all those fight or flight chemicals that flow when you become angry. Eventually it will lead you to serious health problems if you don't learn how to control yourself.
____________________________________________________________________________________ (FROM HAZELDEN): Getting angry can sometimes be like leaping into a wonderfully responsive sports car, gunning the motor, taking off at high speed and then discovering the brakes are out of order. --Maggie Scarf
Anger can multiply our difficulties in many situations. All of us can look back and remember times when we only made our problems worse because we stepped on the gas and lost all ability to use the brakes.
Now we are growing into more adulthood. We are learning to manage our feelings and use them well. This doesn't happen overnight. We would do well to recall how energized we have felt when we let our anger fly and how much we loved that energy at the moment. Only later did we face the damage we caused. Saying we are sorry isn't enough: we must also be willing to take on the harder task of changing our behavior. When we accept that we love the power and the energy of our anger and aggression, we can begin to rein it in and take charge of it rather than be ruled by it.
Today I will not indulge in the pleasure of anger allowed to run wild. _____________________________________________________________ Options: Take a couple of deep breaths; fill the lower part of your lungs first, THEN the chest. If you can't deal with it by using one of the techniques, such as counting backwards from 20, to 1, (and prevent you from allowing yourself to become angry, in the first place) it is important to express that anger appropriately, at the time, and to the person who caused it, if possible, or immediately afterwards. If not, perhaps by walking away later, and bellowing your rage and/or frustration. In some situations, such as work, or school, it might be better to cover your mouth with a cupped hand, bandanna/handkerchief, or use the crook of your elbow, to muffle the sound. Some people find that it helps to journal those thoughts, and emotions soon afterwards. Anger, which is repressed, rather than healthily expressed, tends to fester, and later may cause explosive fits of rage, or depression. Let yourself feel the burning energy of that anger, and visualise it, as vividly as possible, as a hot flame cleansing you. It can help to have someone you can talk to. For more physically inclined people, a punching bag, or hitting your pillow, can be an effective release mechanism: visualise, as vividly as you can, that you are striking back at the cause of that anger. "But next time, when you get mad, just remember this quote: 'Those who anger you, conquer you.' It's basically saying that when you give someone the power to make you mad, or let it get to you, it's like they're controlling you. When I realized that, it made me mad, so I try to control my anger and not let people see it. You can still control your anger without being walked all over.
You just have to draw a line." Try saying to yourself, in your mind: "I am fire! I am ice!". Repeat for as long as it takes for you to calm down sufficiently. Practice a relaxation method, daily, and when needed, such as: (free) http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody/a/Meditation.htm or http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate Tai Chi, yoga, or Qi Gong, suits others better. Give the EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via the searchbar at http://www.mercola.com "EFT" & "EFT therapists" Professional is best. - There is a version for use in public places, (if you want to, you can claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage/tapping your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I sometimes make myself angry, I deeply and completely accept myself." These will enable you to emotionally centre yourself, when practiced regularly, and can also help you become a calmer, more self controlled person, who is less influenced by the behaviour of others. Books: The Anger Workbook - a 13 step plan to help you. - Les Carter & Frank Minirth. - Minirth Meier Clinic Series, & Anger Management For Dummies. - W. Doyle. PhD. - Gentry, & "Feeling Good - the new mood therapy" by David D. Burns, (recommended) & Angry All The Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control by Ron Potter-Efron. Try your library, local bookstore, or http://www.amazon.com for these.
Check out: http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns… Imagine, as vividly as you can, that your anger, fears, your self-recriminations, all the agonizing "I'm-so-Stupids", every painful "I-can't-do-it" are huge raging, hurtful bulls snorting and charging at you. You see them coming at you and you hold out your red matador's cape at arms length and simply let them charge right by. Every time they come at you, hold out your arm with the red cape and let them rage and snort and go right on by you. Most people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or, quicker, cheaper, and more conveniently: http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com - Ending Anger: CD - MP3, or: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com Control Your Anger. ________________________________________________________________________________ Anger Management Services
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