-Anais Nin (with thanks to Jo Werther, LCSW for sharing this)
“You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore” - Christopher Columbus ____________________________________________________________________________ Here, the idea is basically to get your mind off yourself, i.e. avoiding self consciousness. One method is to focus on a certain aspect of the place you are in, say: the door - wonder about what it is made of, where the material came from, and whether it was manufactured locally, or brought in from elsewhere, and where that could have been; how much did it cost, and how old is it, etc? Remember why you are all there, and focus on that. If addressing an audience, don't look at any individuals, at least until you are more comfortable, but look just above the last row of people.
Some people imagine them in their underwear, which is fine, unless it causes you to laugh or giggle. Others use a distraction technique, like having a coin, or pebble in their footwear, and putting their weight on it, or biting the inside of their cheek hard enough to cause pronounced discomfort, or slight pain.
See http://deeplyrelax.com/ and learn and practise that breathing technique. Avoid sugar and sugary things before such occasions. Also avoid products containing caffeine (see OCD, on page F, here at Weebly, for a list).
There is an extensive section on herbs at http://www.drugdigest.org/ which I recommend consulting. Some people recommend either chamomile, sleepytime, or seven blossoms tea, or Valerian root, scullcap, or arctic root. Valerian root can become habit forming: I suppose that the others could, too, so I advise only occasional use, to avoid acquiring a habit. Limit its use to 3 weeks. Some of these are readily available in supermarkets or pharmacies, others at health food/vitamin stores or over the internet (see http://www.anxiety-and-depression-solutions.com/).
There is another proprietary product, containing only natural ingredients, available online from: http://seredyn.com/order.html for $34.95/30 - 60 doses, but I have no information on its efficacy. As with all medications and/or herbal remedies, know their effects on you before driving or doing anything dangerous.
Also worth a try is the EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE which is provided free by Dr. Mercola on his website: http://www.mercola.com/ and is a variant of acupressure. Some have been modified for use in public. Type "E.F.T." in the taskbar on his website, or download it from www.emofree.com .
READ: "The Hidden Face Of Shyness" by Franklin Schneier & Lawrence Welkowitz This book provides a diverse range of information about social anxiety, the various fears social anxiety sufferers may have, the causes of social anxiety & treatment options, & "Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques" by Gillian Butler, & "Managing Social Anxiety: A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Approach Client Workbook (Treatments That Work)" by Debra A. Hope, Richard G. Heimberg, Harlan A. Juster, and Cynthia L. Turk.
HYPNOTHERAPY: Most people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or, quicker, cheaper, and more conveniently: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com Care Less What Others Think, & SEARCHBAR - "social anxiety", or http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com Social Anxiety CD - MP3 & Overcoming Shyness CD - MP3.
"Feeling some nervousness before giving a speech is natural and healthy. It shows you care about doing well. But, too much nervousness can be detrimental. Here's how you can control your nervousness and make effective, memorable presentations:
Know the room. Be familiar with the place in which you will speak. Arrive early, walk around the speaking area and practice using the microphone and any visual aids. Know the audience. Greet some of the audience as they arrive. It's easier to speak to a group of friends than to a group of strangers. Know your material. If you're not familiar with your material or are uncomfortable with it, your nervousness will increase. Practice your speech and revise it if necessary. Relax. Ease tension by doing exercises. Visualize yourself giving your speech. Imagine yourself speaking, your voice loud, clear, and assured. When you visualize yourself as successful, you will be successful. Realize that people want you to succeed. Audiences want you to be interesting, stimulating, informative, and entertaining. They don't want you to fail.
Don't apologize. If you mention your nervousness or apologize for any problems you think you have with your speech, you may be calling the audience's attention to something they hadn't noticed. Keep silent. Concentrate on the message -- not the medium. Focus your attention away from your own anxieties, and outwardly toward your message and your audience. Your nervousness will dissipate. Turn nervousness into positive energy. Harness your nervous energy and transform it into vitality and enthusiasm. 10. Gain experience. Experience builds confidence, which is the key to effective speaking. A Toastmasters club can provide the experience you need".
VISIT A TOASTMASTERS CLUB! Toastmasters clubs meet in the morning, at noon, and in the evening in approximately 70 countries worldwide. No matter where you live, work, or travel you are more than likely to find a club nearby. If you'd like to learn more about joining Toastmasters, follow the How to Become a Member link.
For males, view http://www.lovesystems.com/ Check out http://www.doubleyourdatingprogram.com/ Be funny, confident, and a little cocky. Having examined much of the material, I am sure it is worth the money: he really knows this subject (female psychology, and how to attract them/avoid mistakes) better than anyone else I have yet encountered, and has had expert psychological advice: get his free email course, (which, on its own is a valuable resource) and view the video, if in any doubt.
These are some links: http://www.doubleyourdating.com/e/10000/AdvancedSeries/?cid=QZZZVH&lid=3&ll=1 and http://www.doubleyourdating.com/e/10000/eBook/?cid=QZZZVH&lid=4&ll=1 Examine the recommended email material, then go out and begin implementing it, regarding them as learning experiences, rather than as personal rejection, and resolving to approach, say, 6 girls on each occasion, smile, introduce yourself, say something along the lines that you are out tonight meeting new people, and thought she looked interesting, and attractive, and wondered what interests you may have in common. "I like ... " Ask for her email/IM address, or phone no. and give her a pen and notebook.
I would that such advice was around when I was younger, but: "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride". Nowhere else on this website do I give such a glowing endorsement to a commercial product. I'd be very interested to view the balance of the material, so that I can assess it, and offer a free, condensed version here, for the benefit of everyone about his views on "how to become a real man", which we are generally no longer taught, in western society. Google: "rite of passage; males (your location)" but ask for references from those who have undertaken it before, and check them out.
An article on: "how to be a man" is at: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/ View: "How to get that first date" at http://www.ehow.com/how_2287449_survive-that-first-date.html and http://www.wikihow.com has articles worth viewing, as well. It won't hurt, and may improve your chances to dress well, or at least, according to the situation, and have a LIGHT tan, NOT FROM A TANNING SALON: IT HAS BEEN CONCLUSIVELY DEMONSTRATED THAT THOSE UV RAYS CAN BE DANGEROUS TO SOME PEOPLE, DESPITE THE SALON OPERATORS PROTESTATIONS TO THE CONTRARY!!! Safe tanning lights are available via http://www.mercola.com but they aren't cheap.
I am sure that there are equivalent websites in Yahoo for many other countries: try: "Your Yahoo". For males, (and, increasingly, these days, for females) there is an old saying: "Faint heart ne'er won fair lady." If you have any questions; one place you can get a variety of answers is in the "singles & dating" section of Yahoo! Answers. On sexual matters, try: http://www.askemilyanything.com/ , or the women's, men's, or medical sections at Yahoo! Answers. LONELINESS: Go to: http://www.webofloneliness.com/ & http://dailystrength.org/ & http://www.boblivingstone.com/?q=node/4 & http://www.contactwecare.org/GetHelp.htm & http://www.meditainment.com/ has one titled "overcoming loneliness" : scroll down the homepage (Costs US $49, but you get all of the many subjects included). http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/ is reputable, and has a quite reasonably priced one on loneliness, if you are fairly suggestible (around 40% of people are). See page b, here at Weebly, about depression, on volunteer work; you can end your loneliness, meet many good people, develop social skills and contacts, get references, increase your self esteem, and help others, all at the same time. Social workers (contact through your doctor, local hospital, or social services dept. Local is best, or [USA] 202 408 8600 ) have many contacts and suggestions. (FROM YAHOO! ANSWERS): I am really good at public speaking. I have tons of tips for you! Hope I helped!
1) Be prepared. If you know what you're going to say perfectly, then you won't feel as nervous. 2) Focus only on a certain friend in the audience. It feels better talking to a buddy. 3) Practice in front of a mirror, to see how you will look. That way, you won't worry about that when you're up. 4) Imagine yourself as a great speaker-the best in the whole group! Be confident that you are a great speaker, and that will show when you speak. 5) If you mess up, nothing will be as bad as it seems. Think about it? How badly can you possibly mess up? Everyone else is probably too nervous too, so they're not going to be paying complete attention to you anyways. 6) GO FIRST! You probably think that's crazy, and that going last is best, but trust me, first is best. First of all, you get it over with, and you can relax. Also, if someone really good goes before you, you'll feel awckward trying to follow an act like that. Lastly, no one will talk about you negatively, because no one else has went, and they don't know what good and bad is yet. If you screw up, they won't even remember, since it was so long ago that you went. 7) Take a nice, long breath. Calm your nerves down a bit. 8) Be funny. That way, it will ease your tension a bit, and the crowd will be on your side. 9) Don't be embarrased. Everyone is doing it. Actually, be fun and creative instead. You'll do great. 10) Googe some tips to help stage fright.
Here is an exercise that can help you. It is called "Act as If." When you are in a social situation, act as if you are outgoing. Talk more, smile at everyone, ask questions, speak in a normal or excited tone, not a meek tone. Watch some of your outgoing peers, and imitate the style of their social behavior.
Research shows that when you "act as if" continually, your image of yourself begins to conform to your new behavior. In this case, you will gain self-esteem and self-confidence, and begin to see yourself as socially normal, not shy. You will become more socially successful, and this will motivate you to continue your new social behavior until it becomes a habit.
Try this for a month, in every situation you can. I am confident that you will become much more comfortable and outgoing. Good Luck! ~~~~~~~~~~
A COUNSELOR'S ADVICE: 1) Affirmations Ex: I am/You are very likable and other people feel comfortable around me 2)Hypnosis/NLP 3)Write down all my limiting beliefs I described above and right the positive counter of them(exact opposite) and repeat them and imprint them into my mind 4) Dress up in extremely mismatched/outrageous clothes and walk around in a crowded public area/don't shower. (will learn how to not care what others think.) 5) The most important: Force myself to approach anybody and initiate some sort of communication. Start out small by asking the time and directions and gradually go bigger. ~~~~~ my counselor had me go up to one person everyday, look them straight in the eye, smile, and say hi. I choose the crossing guard at my kids' school. after a week I had to say 1 comment to her every day. each week I would add another person &/or another comment that I had to initiate (couldn't just be a continuance of the convo I started). then he had me move on to More uncomfortable situations and with people I was less familiar with, like a store clerk. I had to ask something to someone I had never met before. I would go into the store and ask were something was. it takes time and a lot of practice but eventually it gets easier. I am still shy, but I can talk to people without freaking out. I now work with a lot of temps and I train them, get to know them, even tell them when they are doing something wrong. I am not that same shy, quiet girl from just a few years ago. ~~~
(AND): My teacher teaches us movements called BrainGym. One of the movements was cross your arms across your chest and cross your feet. Another is rubbing the part below your ear and near the back of your head. And the last one for speaking is put your palm/hand on your forehead. I know it all sounds crazy but it really works ~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.braingym.org/index.html (basically this weblink is just an advertisement for a paid course, or books: I only include it to increase your available options). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following is meant for males, but females may find some of the conversation topics useful:
DATING: Free advice, and a much larger range of websites than are permitted to be posted here, may be found at http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/e.html Check out the extensive free email material De Angelo offers, and only then make your decision on the next logical step, of the 3 choices available, or just opt out; you know your personal circumstances best. Then, in your position, I'd first take an escort out to a meal at a restaurant. Ask her how she, and other women would like to be approached. What subjects to talk with women about, and what to avoid. Where to go. (Coffee involves little pressure, or committment, and you can often learn a lot in a short time about whether a relationship with that person is worth pursuing). Maybe a movie next time, or a meal. I'd go on these "dry runs" at least 2, or 3 times. Expect many rejections; adopt De Angelo's approach, though, and go out with the sole purpose of approaching at least a dozen women, and saying, "Hi, my name's ?????, and I'm out tonight meeting new people, and I thought you looked interesting, and attractive. What should I call you?"
Ask her about her interests, and any other good places to go, nearby. Later in the conversation, ask for her email address, and give her a notepad, and pen; have no expectations - just see what happens. Regard it as an opportunity to learn, and develop, or hone your social skills, not as a test you can fail. Always keep in mind that, even if you have a low success rate, at first, by approaching a largish number of the opposite gender, you will almost certainly have some successes. 3% of 60 = 2. As you learn, your skills will improve, and your success rate increase. You may wish to have something to calm your nerves. Try having a cup of "Tension Tamer", herbal tea, by Celestial Seasonings, (from supermarket tea, or health food aisles) or make some at home, and cool, then bottle, and drink as needed, beginning an hour beforehand (I find it so strong tasting, that I need to drink it quickly, followed by something like fruit juice, to take away the taste, but others may find it more tolerable). C(h)amomile, or peppermint tea is a more palatable option. Herbal remedies, such as valerian, are often effective, but know how it affects you, first, especially if driving. Avoid overuse of alcohol: it is counterproductive. 1 - 2 drinks, at most! (not beer, because beer breath is a potential turnoff). There are many internet chatrooms where you can develop online skills, but these often don't translate well in real life situations. Phone calls are a good next step. Then coffee. Speed dating is an option for later, once you have developed your skillset. If you aren't sexually experienced, this can be a big hurdle, later on. One option is to get some experience with those who do it professionally, regard it as a form of therapy, perhaps, or just a bit of fun, but try to learn about how to satisfy a woman. http://www.askemilyanything and Y!A womens section, and books.
Read newspapers, and YOUR YAHOO: Reuters: ODDLY ENOUGH, and make written notes, and memorise a few; have more on scraps of paper, and read in the men's room. For example: "What do you think about the cat that regularly gets on a bus by itself, and gets off at the next stop?" Or "Desmond Morris, who wrote the bestseller: 'The naked ape' tells in 'Watching' the story of Chumley, the tame chimpanzee, who was brought up as a human, later being accepted at London Zoo, where he escaped, and got on a bus, and sat in a seat next to a woman, who freaked! He got out, but they eventually cornered him, and shot him dead!" Also, movies, music, and other live shows around, or coming. Embarrassing moments, eccentric relatives, lucky, and bad experiences, dates gone wrong, good places to go, their and your future plans, etc. Some people are just more socially gifted than others, but you can work on being interesting, and have a few jokes you can tell, (there are many websites on these; keep them clean) so you can pull one out of the hat, occasionally, when the time is right. Practise delivery in front of a mirror first, then to family. The following came from another contributor, who may not be here to answer your question, so, if s/he can prove it, and you like it, give them "best answer". ~~~
"It is always nice to have a good joke to tell, so write some down so you don't forget the punch line. Polls and surveys has a lot of fun questions, so make a list of those so you have something to ask when the conversation stalls. Where’s the last place you would want to be seen? What scares you the most? Scariest/weirdest dream you ever had? If you could reverse time, what would you do differently? What’s going through your mind right now? Tell me something fun about yourself? What’s the best dream you ever had? What makes you happy? Do you ever get a song stuck in your head? What song? How has the recession affected you, your family? Tell me about a personal experience in your life? How many countries have you been to? What was your favorite one? What is your favorite kind of food, Italian, Chinese, French, Mexican….? What is your favorite movie, song, book? When have you felt the most lost? What was your favorite pet? What is the most expensive/strangest thing you ever bought? Where’s the strangest place you ever fell asleep? What is the longest amount of time you ever stayed awake, and for what reason? Have you ever done anything on a dare? Have you ever walked into the wrong public restroom? If you could teach the world to sing, what song would you choose? If you were born the opposite sex, what would you have been named. What is a gift you wish you were born with? What's an assumption people make about you , that couldn't be more wrong? If you could only hear one song for the rest of your life, what song would you choose? What did you love to do when you were a child, that you stopped doing when you grew up? Name something you learned not to do, only after you did it." ~~~
And mine: "Do you have any eccentric relatives?" "I had ... " "What is the strangest/most dangerous thing that happened to you?" Google: "jokes" select some funny, but clean ones; memorise a few (practise delivery in a mirror) and record some on bits of paper, and read them in a toilet break, to refresh your memory. Sex: Always ask what they like, and what they don't, and allow PLENTY of foreplay, allowing them let you know when they're ready, or waiting for at least 15 minutes. Many women these days have certain minimal requirements of potential boyfriends, such as: 1) A place of his own. 2) Full time employment. 3) No drug problem. Having a car can help, in some places. Be cocky, and funny too, if possible. Don't appear to be needy; it's a turnoff, as is a lack of confidence (see http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/1.html re self confidence).